clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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