I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
