Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
