i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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