ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
