if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
