Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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