I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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