she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
