Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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