I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i love accidental penises.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize