Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
