From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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