I accidentally burped into my bong.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
