my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
