If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
