Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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