And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My brain says no but my pants say off.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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