My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize