the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
