i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
