I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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