look no pants
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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