Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My liver just broke up with me...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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