I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
