I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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