someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
