were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
