So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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