she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
