Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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