I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
