You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
