Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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