It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
