No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
