Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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