just tell him i said nine months
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
