so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
