about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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