I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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