I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
