I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How does one acquire holy water?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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