I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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