Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is Oprah even human
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
