Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
