"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
