i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
