if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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