summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
even my farts smell like vagina
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
