once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
