My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
