Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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