If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
