i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
