I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
