remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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