i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
