Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
