Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
