hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize