I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
