So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
