and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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