life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
