with your own penis?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize