Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
