There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
