I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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