My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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