So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
