Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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