god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
