I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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